UMMMM WOW

Friends - I need to start by saying I struggle with how honest to be here... on such a public forum, with so many of you strangers.... but I think I really need to write - as a form of therapy because this is really hard and I am in Ethiopia without my friends and so I am just putting this out there, with thoughtful concern... We went yesterday to visit Amanuel again. We were over the moon excited and knew not to bring the camera this time as there was no chance those tough nannies were going to let us sneak a picture. The nannies lead us to a tiny, brightly painted, room that had about 12 empty cribs and 7 babies sitting on a mat all quite content to be fighting over one toy. We took off our shoes and went and tried to find a space to sit in the circle of babies as my dad and Linda found a wall to watch from. Once we were comfortable, his nanny left and so, besides all the babies, we were the only ones there. Amanuel immediately started to cry, he turned from us, he wanted NOTHING to do with us and had a look of panic on his face. He was scared. I scare my baby. I backed off a little and started playing with the one toy as if I wasn't paying attention to him and this sparked the other babies to concurrently begin to cry. It was actually funny. All 7 crying and all 4 adults panicking, as protocol in such situations hasn't really been established. Are we able to pick up the other babies? Will this benefit or confuse Amanuel? So, we set to calming them all down, which didn't work and the nannies eventually came in to rescue us by removing all of the other babies and laughing at us too. We were now totally alone with Amanuel who was still petrified (and this is NOT an exaggeration. We eventually we asked to move to the larger room which was a welcome change. Amanuel is so sweet. But I am really scared for him. HE IS SO QUIET - never making ONE sound except when he cries and even then he is quiet. He looks nervous with every move. It is like he feels so insecure with us there (or is that him?).... He cried for the next hour as I bounced him around the room, Darryl tried to distract him with the water bottle and toys and I showed him the kids playing in the yard. As I carried him, he put his two open palms on me and pushed as hard as he could and my heart broke in that moment. There was nothing I could do to make him feel better, nothing I could do to take his fear away. NOW ,I am not naive. I have read all of the adoption books and they all try to prepare you for this as this is the expected response from institutionalized children. But there is no way, they could prepare me for this. For wanting so bad to take his pain away and not being able to and wondering if you ever will be ....I am so sad for him. I am sad for us too. The nurses eventually brought in a sippy cup full of watered-down milk and layed him in my arms and he drank. But not really. He just used the cup as a soother. He didn't really drink the milk. He layed in my arms for about 45 minutes and hated every minute. He wouldn't let me hold his cup and not ONCE would he look at me. He turned his whole body from me and the whole time I sang to him or called his name or kissed his arms and he didn't waiver. Not once. Eventually, the nanny came and said, "bye bye mommy" and took him from me (Without a kiss) and put him in the crib - screaming with his sippy cup in hand. That was it. That was the visit. So, we are left with these feelings of... Are we doing what is right for him, will he ever love us, will he feel secure, are we good enough, are we conditioning him to associate us to bad things because these visits are so horrific for him? We love him, that is NOT a question. I used to fear not connecting to him. That was the craziest fear - he is ours, it is so obvious to us. I have never felt love like this and that is the honest to goodness truth. So that's it. Our next step is that we will attend court tomorrow. Once we pass that, he will be legally ours and we will begin the transition to our family. I believe that Amanuel will need an extra long transition. SO, MAYA AND LEASA, you're right - no side trips. We can't stand not having him. I think of him every minute and replay each moment we've spend together in my head, holding on to the one time he kind of cracked a mini smile. Every minute we aren't together, feels like an hour. Wish us luck for a successful court date tomorrow. Andrea