So Sorry!

I want to start out by apologizing for not getting to you sooner. I can't say we've been BUSY per se. Because we haven't. WE have 4 doting adults and one baby boy so we're anything but busy. It's just that I.CAN'T. TAKE.MY.EYES.OFF.OF.HIM - not even for the five minutes it takes me to blog. So, I am sorry, but I've been caught up in something far more wonderful - getting to know our beautiful son! I owe you a lot of time so I think it is best to go chronologically. Court Date: Thursday, December 5th WE were lucky enough to share this date with another couple from our agency who are adopting a two year old son. So, when Girmachew picked us up for court, we were escorted to their hotel before we went to the court house. Our new friends climbed aboard and we set off to the court house. After climbing what I think is 5 flights of crowded, narrow stairs, we made it to our destination - a small waiting room with approximately 50 seats and 75 people in it all waiting for their turn. WE sighed, big sighs, as we knew we were in for a long wait. Just as Darryl and I congratulated ourselves for being prepared with lots of snacks and water, they called us and our new friends into the room. I think we were 3rd to be called. Amazing! We sat down in the chairs at one end of the room and faced the judge - the four of us. The judge asked us a series of yes or no questions - probably 10-12 in all. Questions about keeping his culture, about if we had met him, how many times, etc and we answered "yes" or "no" in unison. Then, suddenly, just as we were anticipating another question, she said something like - "well, it seems all your paperwork is in order(UHHHHHHHHHHH YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA) so, he becomes legally a permanent part of your family". At which point I let out an audible gasp and we all got up and thanked the judge and left the room. The whole process took about 5 minutes. Such a simple enough ending to years of waiting - to years of hoping, to putting all of ourselves into and just like that - he's ours. We're done. And I couldn't help but cry and hug our new friends and kiss my Darryl and be so happy, in the narrow hallway of a very simple courthouse. WE then went to the Agency's office to immediately begin the immigration paperwork and were greeted by MArtha who we knew only by name and knew so much about but had never met. She offered us coffee and we got right down to business filling our Citizenship Part 2!!! As our new friends were leaving the next day, they were able to go and see their son, and we were sent back to our hotel to wait until we could see Amanuel again. Great day, one that needs to be remembered.

Our 3rd Visit

We woke up, again lazed around trying to kill the vast amount of time we had to kill before Girmachew would be here to take us to our third visit. He was to be here for 10 am and the sun is up at 4 am so that meant lots of time. So, we read and ate and cleaned a little as the power was out most of the morning. Then our cell phone rings, and it is the front desk advising the Girmachew is here already - one hour and 15 minutes early. I was still half-naked and gross. So, I ran around cleaning everything important, but as you will see in the pictures, I walked around all day with bed head as a result. Anyway, we were so happy he was early because that meant we would be to Amunoo early. We had some shopping to do before we headed over to the orphanage so, Girmachew helped us pick all the things the orphanage needed. With our money we were able to buy pasta, flour, bleach, rice, tomatoes, coffee, toilet paper, eggs, quick oats. Thank you everyone who donated money. My heart breaks for the diet here, so full of white starch. For instance, the nurse at the orphanage told me that Amani isn't on any sort of formula as it is too expensive and they reserve it, but she told me to put him on it right away so that he can catch up. He also has never had a vegetable, or anything other than ramen noodles, spaghetti noodles and corn flour. So, here are a few of us on our shopping spree.... Once we got to the orphanage, we unloaded the van and played a little soccor with the kids as we waited for Amunoo. We have no idea where he was before however, eventually, the nanny called to us from inside... The minute he saw us, he bagan to wail and the nannies told us to come in and get him. So, we made our way around and when we entered they essentially "threw" him at us and left swiftly. He cried, loudly this time, for about 15 minutes and then just wimpered for the remainder of the visit which was about 2 hours long. I just held him and rocked him and kissed him and sang and eventually he calmed. The best moment of the day was when he sunk his whole body onto me and put his head in my neck and sucked a little. I sobbed then. I was the happiest mumma ever! Eventually Darryl was able to inch closer without setting him off and so we sat, like a family, quiet. LInda snapped pictures and sat close too. But there was no playing, just snuggles and I am so, so happy with that. Darryl fed him the ramen noodle porridge and as he did, Amanuel looked him in the eyes and DArryl loved it.

A little about our days

We wake up early - real early - like 5am early. It must be the time difference or the fact that Addis is LOUDDDDDDDDDDDDD really LOUD - at all times. Either way, we have a lot of time to kill before the smog lifts enough to go outside. So, we clean and shower and eat and relax for like 5 HOURS every day. Today we went to the National Museum of Ethiopia. We were so excited to go - being the evolutionalists that we are, it was so exciting to see Lucy et.al. We spent hours in the museum. It was so nice. Then we walked around the yard of the museum. We had a great lunch out. Walked the streets. We are feeling much more confident and feel better about pushing our way through the crowds. WE even got brave enough to hail a cab. The people here go out of their way to help you. We ALWAYS have a trail of beggers following us and sometimes the military catches them and tells them to leave us at which point we have about 5 minutes of reprieve. Today we gave a woman with a very malnutritioned baby on her back a lot of money and she still wouldn't leave us and followed us and the baby cried the whole way down the road. I cried too - couldn't stop. She was breaking my heart but we couldn't give her anymore. WE have found some great bakeries and restaurants and a STARBUCKS. Machiatos are amazing. The fruit is delish. Everything is so non-processed, it's great. Our apartment is fantastic. The staff here is amazingly helpful. Things are not as cheap as we anticipated. This trip is expensive!! Today, as we walked down the road, my father had a cup of ice cream in his hands and a 3 year old street kid jumped and grabbed it from his hands. So sad. WE have a guy that walks up and down outside our window with like 20 brooms on his shoulder screaming every 10 seconds what we can only assume means "broom" in Amharic. He starts at 5am and never stops. I have some thoughts on Ethiopia, some more detailed observations. I just wanted to get this down while I had a chance.

UMMMM WOW

Friends - I need to start by saying I struggle with how honest to be here... on such a public forum, with so many of you strangers.... but I think I really need to write - as a form of therapy because this is really hard and I am in Ethiopia without my friends and so I am just putting this out there, with thoughtful concern... We went yesterday to visit Amanuel again. We were over the moon excited and knew not to bring the camera this time as there was no chance those tough nannies were going to let us sneak a picture. The nannies lead us to a tiny, brightly painted, room that had about 12 empty cribs and 7 babies sitting on a mat all quite content to be fighting over one toy. We took off our shoes and went and tried to find a space to sit in the circle of babies as my dad and Linda found a wall to watch from. Once we were comfortable, his nanny left and so, besides all the babies, we were the only ones there. Amanuel immediately started to cry, he turned from us, he wanted NOTHING to do with us and had a look of panic on his face. He was scared. I scare my baby. I backed off a little and started playing with the one toy as if I wasn't paying attention to him and this sparked the other babies to concurrently begin to cry. It was actually funny. All 7 crying and all 4 adults panicking, as protocol in such situations hasn't really been established. Are we able to pick up the other babies? Will this benefit or confuse Amanuel? So, we set to calming them all down, which didn't work and the nannies eventually came in to rescue us by removing all of the other babies and laughing at us too. We were now totally alone with Amanuel who was still petrified (and this is NOT an exaggeration. We eventually we asked to move to the larger room which was a welcome change. Amanuel is so sweet. But I am really scared for him. HE IS SO QUIET - never making ONE sound except when he cries and even then he is quiet. He looks nervous with every move. It is like he feels so insecure with us there (or is that him?).... He cried for the next hour as I bounced him around the room, Darryl tried to distract him with the water bottle and toys and I showed him the kids playing in the yard. As I carried him, he put his two open palms on me and pushed as hard as he could and my heart broke in that moment. There was nothing I could do to make him feel better, nothing I could do to take his fear away. NOW ,I am not naive. I have read all of the adoption books and they all try to prepare you for this as this is the expected response from institutionalized children. But there is no way, they could prepare me for this. For wanting so bad to take his pain away and not being able to and wondering if you ever will be ....I am so sad for him. I am sad for us too. The nurses eventually brought in a sippy cup full of watered-down milk and layed him in my arms and he drank. But not really. He just used the cup as a soother. He didn't really drink the milk. He layed in my arms for about 45 minutes and hated every minute. He wouldn't let me hold his cup and not ONCE would he look at me. He turned his whole body from me and the whole time I sang to him or called his name or kissed his arms and he didn't waiver. Not once. Eventually, the nanny came and said, "bye bye mommy" and took him from me (Without a kiss) and put him in the crib - screaming with his sippy cup in hand. That was it. That was the visit. So, we are left with these feelings of... Are we doing what is right for him, will he ever love us, will he feel secure, are we good enough, are we conditioning him to associate us to bad things because these visits are so horrific for him? We love him, that is NOT a question. I used to fear not connecting to him. That was the craziest fear - he is ours, it is so obvious to us. I have never felt love like this and that is the honest to goodness truth. So that's it. Our next step is that we will attend court tomorrow. Once we pass that, he will be legally ours and we will begin the transition to our family. I believe that Amanuel will need an extra long transition. SO, MAYA AND LEASA, you're right - no side trips. We can't stand not having him. I think of him every minute and replay each moment we've spend together in my head, holding on to the one time he kind of cracked a mini smile. Every minute we aren't together, feels like an hour. Wish us luck for a successful court date tomorrow. Andrea

Getting here

I understand I owe you all many posts - to include our trip here, our first impressions, our first African sunset, etc. And I will deliver. But I would be remise if I didn't write about the biggest day of our lives - meeting Amanuel today. We woke early with anticipation. It was 5am here and the sun was just up. It meant that we were waking to the day that we would meet our son, which caused my heart to race. But, it also meant we had a whole 5 hours to kill before Girmachew (our agency's driver and paperwork extraordinaire) would be at our place to meet us. It was difficult to fall asleep last night so, the early rise also meant we were tired. So, we set to chipping away at the time by making some breakfast, organizing our treats we wanted to bring for the kids at the orphanage and I tried on every outfit in my closet as I wanted to look my best. We expected Girmachew to be late - we've heard that's his tendency. BUT...... he was 1/2 hour early!! And I ran down to meet him while the others scrambled to get ready for the day. We were able to take some video of the drive there. The drive was about 10 minutes and it was all I could do not to pass out. I was shaking from head to toe (and I noticed a shake in Darryl too). We saw some beautiful views and some real poverty however, none of this moved me in that moment - all I could think about was getting to my son. When we arrived at the orphanage we were told to put the cameras away. Amanuel is not legally ours yet and we are not allowed to get photos of the others either.... so, to our disappointment we do not have one picture of our first meeting. We had to wait for about 10 minutes and then the nurse came to bring us to the baby room. When we walked in the room was quiet with the only babies in there sleeping. Except Amanuel was up, in his nanny's arms, looking very frightened of us. I asked if I could hold him as he clung to his nanny. She told me no. I know why now. This is a child who is very attached to his caregivers. He is shy, quiet and very pensive. Me grabbing on to him sobbing would have scared him and I am thankful for her firmness now. She sat with him on the ground and Darryl sat beside them as Linda, Papa and I observed him play from the chairs nearby. We brought a couple of little gifts for him, which he liked to play with but every time, we made eye contact he cried. My heart broke a little. I knew this wasn't a bad thing - that him being attached to his caregiver was actually amazing. After all, it does mean he is able to form strong bonds. But that was logically, in my head. In my heart, I wanted him to run to me screaming Mommy as he kissed my face. OK, I realize that's a bit much but you get the idea of my heart and head battling in that moment. So, I cried a little until I could talk myself out of it. I cried in that moment for myself because all I wanted was to hold him. I cried for him too because he looked so terrified and genuinely sad and I wanted to take those feelings from him!! WE stayed for two hours. It took Amanuel a long time to open up and even then, he opened up just a little. The caregivers affectionately call him A-mun-ooo and they taught me how to say it. I started to call him that and he loved it. He responded well. After a while, they let the other kids in and this provided a nice distraction for Amunoo. WE took out the stickers we brought and started sticking them on the kids and he watched. He wanted a sticker of his own. I chose the dolphin and put it on his wrist. He took it off, put in on the caregivers face and she put it back on his wrist. Then she told him to "put on mommy" and he did!!! We played back and forth, with Darryl and Linda too. My dad watched the whole time and I kept looking at him while he cried in his chair. Amanuel loves a book. He often put the new toys aside to play with the book. He opened and closed it as I oooed and awed. He would pass it to us, and we would open to a page and oooo and ahhhhh again. It was a fun game and he seemed to open just a little more then. Lunch time came and the nannies left the room to get organized. He cried a little when they left and I just went for it and picked him up to sooth him. He relaxed a little in my arms, and I rocked him slowly. But, Amunoo is a goer and it wasn't long before he was looking for the next thing to do. The nanny brought me the terrible looking ramen noodles cooked into a think paste-like porridge and told me to feed him. Darryl put his bib on, but I don't think he needed it. This is a kid that wants all the food he can get and wouldn't dare waste a bit on spillage. While he sat infront of me and I fed him each spoonful we kept eyecontact the whole time. It was by far the most amazing moment of my life. His eyes are so beautiful and so full of emotion and all my fear melted away. He was mine, I knew it then. But we still had to convince him. Amanoo was falling asleep as I fed him so it was time to say good-bye. I kissed him in his neck and "ate" his arm and he smiled a little and that warmed my heart. We all did it and it was so nice to see him smiling (although he may have been smiling that we were leaving). So, a few things we have come to learn about our Amanuel today: - he is shy but not terribly so - he is cautious and thoughtful - you can see his wheels turning with every move - he has excellent fine motor skills (he was able to pick small stickers from the floor with his pointer and thumb) - he doesn't like fluff - he picked it from the teddies and the Velcro of his new barnyard toy - he walks with determination - but is still wobbly on his feet - he is much, much smaller than he looks in pictures - the boy loves to eat - reaching for the bowl as it came in the room - he can effectively drink from a regular cup all by himself with very little spillage] - he has 10 of the cutest toes and the cutest little but ever - he loves, loves, loves books - those are his "go to" toys - he has the most amazing smile ever!!! - he is quiet - definitely not a babbler but has a "husky" cry - he likes "his" things and was NOT shy about taking them off the other kids - he likes shoes but looks so funny walking in them - he has a big Buddha belly and is small but is one solid kid - so heavy It was hard to leave him but I know now how important transitioning him slowly is. He is so aware. AS we left the babies room we handed out the candy necklaces and the kids LOVED them. The boys tied them around their wrists and the girls around their necks. They spent the next 15 minutes we were there (as we were waiting on Girmachew to return) scrambling to get another ("but I didn't get one" "yes you have 2")So, we left and I slept the minute we got home as I was emotionally exhausted. Linda has a great journal going and wrote in it and Papa and Darryl went on a beer and chip hunt. So, the apartment was quiet (well as quiet as Addis can get.... dogs, goats, kids and diesel engines means that Addis is NEVER quiet by our standards...) This was the scariest, best, most amazing moment of my life and I don't want one detail to go missing. I love you all. Will try to upload the "drive there" video. Andrea